This is a long story. It does not have a happy ending. I don't know how many parts it will have or how often I will feel like writing it. But I'm writing it anyway in the hopes that getting it all out will help me. If it helps someone else in the process that'd be gratifying too.
On Saturday, April 2, I woke up very early and couldn't get back to sleep. It was a crappy day for that to happen because the kids were with my parents for Spring Break and I had no plans until I had to leave to pick them up at around 11 am. If ever there was a day that I could have slept in, this would have been it.
Something was nagging at me and I just didn't feel right. I mostly attributed it to the fact that I was waiting for my period to start. I had actually been waiting a day or two already, but sometimes my cycles can run a little long. I decided to take a pregnancy test just so I could laugh at myself and try to go back to sleep. Alas, that was not to be.
The test was positive. I stared in shock at the test and most of my brain shut down. We weren't trying for a baby. In fact, we were quite happy with the way our family was. We had moved out of the diaper/nap/neediness phase and were happily settling into parenting elementary school and middle school aged kids.
I crawled back into bed and woke Ken up. I gave him the news and waited for his reaction. He pulled me close, and in a rare moment of optimism he said, "We'll be okay. We'll figure this out." Then I cried for a little while and went back to sleep. When it was actually time to get up, Ken got in the shower and got ready for work. I went out to the couch and, still in shock, texted my best friend.
She was uplifting and encouraging and I finished our conversation feeling a bit more prepared to face the future. And I also began to find my predicament somewhat hysterical. "If you want to see God laugh, tell Him your plans."
I did some laundry, washed some dishes, and puttered around the house cleaning up in general; a move totally out of character for me on a Saturday morning. At around 11, I left to drive south and pick up my kids. I packed a snack for the van in case I got hungry and tried to imagine how I was going to get through the day without telling anyone.
We met at our regular swapping restaurant and headed in for lunch. The line was incredibly long and we waited over an hour for a table. At that point I was more than hungry, I was nauseous, but I couldn't tell anyone why, so I just kept my mouth shut (literally) and laughed inside my head.
I got the kids back home and tried to go about our normal daily business as much as possible. I stocked my drawer at work with crackers, just in case, and I hid the gummy pre-natal vitamins in a rarely used drawer.
Ken and I were still nervous about how things would work out: money, jobs, housing, etc. and how the kids were going to take the news, but we were feeling hopeful and excited. We made pregnancy jokes over the kids' heads and he rubbed my belly at night just to say "hi." We had never planned on having four kids, but when faced with the option, we chose to go into it with joy and excitement.