Ken and I had the possibility of some really good news around the beginning of the year. He, being the pessimist, was sure it wouldn't happen; I, being the optimist, was convinced that it would. We balance each other like that.
I knew in my heart that there was a chance that things would not go the way that I hoped. I knew that I needed to be careful in what I thought and what I said. I knew that in all things I had to trust God's timing and His plans for our family. We prayed for things to work out, and I ended each prayer with a brief, "Your will be done, and help me to be satisfied with that."
Then I accidentally peeked. I peeked into a future that was much more flexible than the present. I peeked at evenings with two parents home and weekends without plans. I peeked at holidays unencumbered and a bank account that wasn't quite so stretched. I peeked at freedom and respect and chances. And I decided that it all looked pretty good.
And, then, as you can probably guess, that future turned out not to be the one meant for us. That was hard. I grieved. I was on edge for two days and cried at the drop of a hat. I was mad at the circumstances and I was mad at what was taken away. Even though, in my heart, I knew that we had never really had it. And I was all the more angry knowing how rare that opportunity had been.
My faith tells me that God has plans for me. He has good things in store. But I'm not good at waiting. I'm not patient. And it hurt to look at what almost was and realize that it was not meant to be.
I'm glad I took my time to grieve. I had a chance to say goodbye to that path. I thought back on all the times in my life that I chose to jump ahead with my own agenda. Those jumps didn't have very many good outcomes. I was reminded of another time when a door was closed. Again, at that time I raged and cried and wondered why. The perspective didn't come for years. But when it arrived it was a breath of fresh air. I am happy where I am. I like what I do. I am well taken care of.
I look at all the things in my life that might not have been if that long ago door had not been closed. None of us can know what lies ahead. It is only science fiction that gives us the chance to see multiple outcomes and alternate futures. I choose to believe that all the events of my life have led me to where I am. Since I am happy and well cared for, I choose to be satisfied with how things have turned out and to believe that things are as they are meant to be.
I know that I cannot live my life wondering about what almost was. That path leads to deep dissatisfaction. I choose to embrace what I have. To be thankful for the life that I am given. To believe that I have a purpose and if I'm still here, I need to keep working on it. I choose to let go of what was almost, and to live with what is.
I'm linking up today with Lisa's One Word Challenge. The word choices were almost, rare, and faith. This week I fit them all in! Did you find them?