How to Pick Up Your Kids After School in 50 Easy Steps
1. Get off work and drive to after-school program while mentally preparing dinner so you can hit the ground running when you get home.
2. Enter building and sign kids out.
3. Smile as other kids start yelling "Your mom is here! Time to go!"
4. Approach younger child's teacher to chat about his day.
5. Make eye contact and let child know you'll be leaving soon.
6. Finish conversation with first teacher.
7. Watch another family arrive and leave withing span of 5 minutes.
8. Argue with first child about putting on coat because he's already "too hot!"
9. Leave child 1 to get his backpack on and approach child 2.
10. Tell child 2 it's time to leave.
11. Turn around to see child 1 back to playing with friends.
12. Wave at child 2's teacher while praying she doesn't have a bad report.
13. Go back to child 1 to collect backpack and coat.
14. Watch child 2 approaching you.
15. Watch child 2 realize he forgot his hat.
16. Watch a family of three pack up and leave.
17. Get child 1's coat back on and head toward door.
18. Listen as child 2 runs back to his class and makes a request to his teacher to pick out a book to take home.
19. Allow child 1 to sit on bench outside because he's "soooo hot!"
20. Stand in position to monitor both children at same time.
21. Contemplate which parts of dinner you may have to now skip with your limited time.
22. Glance toward child 2 as he selects book and starts walking toward you.
23. Check on child 1 on bench. All is well.
24. Turn back to see child 2 talking and laughing with friends again. Yell and gesture for him to hurry up.
25. Walk into lobby with child 2 just as child 1 comes back inside and removes coat, hat, gloves, and backpack so he can go to the bathroom.
26. Try to catch child 2 before he goes back to say something to his friend while he's waiting for his brother.
27. Stand awkwardly in lobby area, outside boys' bathroom.
28. Contemplate how much of your life you spend waiting outside the boys' bathroom and whether that is creepy.
29. Hear child 1 flush and call to child 2 to come back.
30. Watch child 1 exit bathroom. Cringe as the the words "Did you wash your hands?" come out of your mouth before you can stop them.
31. Watch harried mother walk in, hug and kiss her smiling children, and leave.
32. Turn around to watch child 2 do a U-turn as child 1 goes back into bathroom.
33. Yell, "I'm leaving!"
34. Watch as nothing occurs.
35. Help child 1 put his coat and backpack on again.
36. Walk back to child 2 and tell him "We're leaving NOW!"
37. Walk out towards lobby.
38. Turn around to check if child 2 is following.
39. Yell, "Goodbye!"
40. Observe child 2 grabbing backpack and running towards lobby.
41. Walk outside. Finally!
42. Walk determinedly towards vehicle as both boys frolic in the snow outside child care center.
43. Get in van and start engine.
44. Buckle self.
45. Ask boys to shut van door.
46. Referee argument about who's turn it is to shut the door.
47. Unbuckle and get out to shut door because van is "on a hill!" and the boys can't do it.
48. Check mirrors and begin departure from parking lot.
49. Cringe as child 2 says, "I think I left my violin!"
50. Cry as you drive home and modify dinner plans again to account for the five minutes you now have to prepare it.